January 7, 2015

This Year, Last Year & a Few Randoms

This past year has been fabulous. It's been such a year of amazing growth. The past few years I have given myself a little theme I felt I needed to live by. It started with my Embrace Simplicity theme. Then last year was Believe. Which last year I still hung to my Embracing Simplicity. My year ended with a true feeling of contentment. The last couple of months I have just really, finally in my life felt content. I have had true peace and joy. I had to lay a few things in God's hands and really trust Him. After our little foster kiddos left us back in May, I felt a peace in that storm, but I had a lot of underlying worry that would really seem to manifest in my dreams. I finally got to a point where I couldn't bear to hear our sweet 3 year old calling for me and asking for me in my dreams, which became nightmares; wondering why he couldn't come home with us. In these dreams I would see him in various places, sometimes I'd just want to hug him so tight, but mostly I just wanted to hide so that he wouldn't see me, but I needed to watch him from afar and just know that he was okay. So I would wake up and just yearn for those kids.  I'd pray for all of them, yet he, being the oldest and truly the least resilient of the 3, I prayed especially for him. That he would have peace, that he would be happy, that he wouldn't wonder why he had to go or feel rejected from us, but feel loved and happy and thrive back at home with their family and relatives, who I know, love them even more than I could (even though that is hard to imagine because I really really really love them as my own flesh & blood).

I finally got to a point that I just said "Okay God, I seriously cannot handle these nightmares. I just need peace, day and night, peace in this entire situation. If the kids aren't okay and there is a reason for these dreams or you are trying to tell me something I get it and I will deal with it and continue yearning and praying according to these dreams. BUT if they are okay...I need these dreams to end. I can't keep seeing them and hearing M calling out to me, asking why he can't come home. It's devastating and I just need to know that the kids are okay."

I tell you, I promise you, I haven't had a nightmare since. And I KNOW, that I know that I know, that the kids are okay. God has given me such a peace I cannot explain it. He answered that prayer and I truly feel in my heart of hearts the kids are doing well and everything is fine. The yearning is still there sometimes of course. Not a moment goes by that we don't think of them. But I have such a calming assurance that God's got this and those babies are good.

This summer has been a wonderful time of bonding with our girls. This is the first school year I am home with no little kids. I am loving this season of life we are in. Loving life, loving my furniture restoration, loving my little "office" in the basement where I get to work and paint ad be artsy and creative. I still do hair on the side. I am more hippy, weird, natural, organic, homemade, relaxed, etc. than ever. I have learned a lot about myself this past year and I am just content. No need to compare myself to others. I don't wish for this or that. My life is just good.

Contentment is something I have prayed for, for YEARS. And I am finally there. I don't know when it clicked, or how it clicked or what I did or God did. But it's there. And I'm riding the waves and enjoying where they take me. The ups and downs, the highs and lows. I just trust God. Point Blank. He's real, he's in control and He's got this. No matter what. God is still God and He's always gonna be. Why worry when I don't have to.

I have also learned I am a total introvert. That explains so much!!! Explains why sometimes I just want to be alone in the midst of a crowd at times. Which is why my little office and job in the basement is perfect for me. My own space to be with my thoughts, my music, and whatever I have internalized that week :)

This year I also wrote this very bold blog post that took a lot of courage and confidence I didn't have, but I wrote it anyways and am still glad because I received a lot of messages, emails, even phone calls from others who have struggled with the same or similar things.
I feel like I have a lot to say or that I want to say, but I will wrap it up for now. Thanks for reading :) I would love to know what kind of things you've learned about yourself this past year or anything God has shown you or revelations or anything! Please share. Ironically I would rather hear about others than talk about myself.

Oh, and this next year's theme : PRAYER

2 comments:

Jamie Willow said...

made me cry, those dreams, wow. thank God for answered prayers and for his peace, true peace.

Actually Anne said...

Love it.