Letting Go

I think letting go may be one of the hardest choices we have to make in our life here on earth. Letting go of loved ones; Saying goodbye and cutting bonds or ties; Lacking closure. All of which I, myself, am not good at. Especially the closure part.

Things left unsaid.
Questions unanswered.
One last I love you.
One last hug.
Rushed goodbyes.

However, sometimes letting go can be a very selfless act as well. As well as absolutely necessary.

To allow wings to fly.
Blooms to blossom.
Growth that otherwise maybe couldn't happen.

Selfishly, and admittedly I want another hug. I want to hear their voices. I want to hold the chubby baby boy whose mama I was blessed to be for 7 mos. I want to snuggle that sweet & sassy little girl. See her sweet dimples. Let her kiss my cheeks a million times over. Just one more time. Oh what I'd give to kiss the top of that sweet little boy's head. So sensitive. So fragile. So kind and precious. The little boy who was attached to my side for almost a year. Those little glasses. The tight curls on the top of his head. To see their smiles and hear their laughter. To reassure my little mama's boy. Just one more time...But even then, that still wouldn't be enough.

We gave them our all. We loved them as our own.

To be cut off and lack such closure.

It's hard.

Really, really hard.

But we need to let go...

Not for us. No. For them.

Being cut off is okay. For them. Because I do realize to hear our voices, to keep in touch when they don't understand could only cause harm. To not understand why they had to leave; Why they can't come home to us. It could only confuse them.

I have come to realize they need to forget us, because that is better. Not for us, but for them. So their memories can be with their parents and the family that loves them, although it seems impossible, probably even more than we ever could. They were only ours for such a time.

The memories will always be ours.
The joys, the highs, the lows, the growth, the love, the strong bond, the tears, the laughter, the life we had with them for 10 months, no one can take that from us. Those are ours.
The memories are our gift for letting go.
A gift that we will always embrace.

And maybe someday, sometime, when the time is right, we will run into them or hear something that can just bring us the peace and closure that isn't ours yet.

Until then we must let them go. But in our hearts they will always be. On our minds, in our dreams, and forever in our prayers.

Follow up to But They Call Me Mommy

But They Call Me Mommy...

I have never been good at goodbyes.
I don't like them.
They are awkward.
I never know when enough is enough or the time should be up.
I really need a lot of time to say goodbye.
I prefer them to be long and drawn out, rather than quick and abrupt. I need closure. (Whatever that really is) When you say goodbye to someone what should you say? I like people to know how much they mean to me or have meant to me. I want people to know that our time together is appreciated & valued. That I cherish them. That I cherish the moments. That letting go is hard.  Especially when you know it's a true goodbye, not a 'see you soon' or 'see ya later', but an actual, 'I will probably never see you again (not by my choice) goodbye'.

The anticipation of a goodbye feels like a dark cloud hanging over my head.

This past week we said goodbye to 3 precious children whom we didn't have to grow to love but loved the moment we knew they would be coming. Because love is a choice. It's a decision you make. Love is an action and we chose to love these 3 adorable little ones. An action that came so natural for all of us. These kids just molded right into our home and family as if they have been a part from the start. There wasn't a real adjustment part on their end. They really just melted our hearts immediately and seemed to feel so comfortable here from the start. They called us mommy & daddy, not because we told them to (because we didn't), but because that's what they heard our older kids call us. And to them, we were mommy & daddy. We loved them as our own, treated them as our own, embraced them as our own.

Our families, friends, church & entire community embraced these kids. So naturally. Seemingly effortlessly. Our little ones had friends, family, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, teachers that have all felt the loss as we have.

How do you say goodbye to a child?
How do you explain why they cannot live with you anymore while hoping they do not feel rejected by you?
How can you give a child the most consistency & stability they have ever had and then just say goodbye?
What do you say to the sweet little boy that says "No, I not going, I stay here, this is my house"?

I say we love you so much. We will always love you. I would love for you to stay here and be my little boy. But you have a daddy who loves you SOOOO much and he wants you so bad. And you are SO lucky you GET to live with him. And I do truly rejoice in a family reunited. A family made whole again. I know there is a bond there and I know their daddy will take good care of them.

I know I am not their mommy and that I was just "playing mommy" for only but a moment.

But they don't understand that. They call me mommy.

 How do you explain that to a child so young, so impressionable, so sensitive, & so innocent that when their aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, & grandparents come for that final goodbye that 'this is it', they aren't going to see them again, this is their goodbye?

How do you say goodbye to the children you have loved as your own for the past year? How do you have a baby from day 2 of his life and say goodbye at 7 mos? When you are the only mommy he knows? When he looks for you? When you are the one whom he feels the separation anxiety from?
How do you explain that this is a good thing to your older children who feel like their siblings are being taken away?

How do you not cry while your daughter plays the piano and sings a song about the siblings she loves and how she knows they love her but they were "tooken away"?

I have empathized with all parties involved this entire time. I feel for the family who couldn't be with these kids while we took care of them this past year. I can only imagine the pain and loss they felt. I have never not been sympathetic to their hearts, feelings, or emotions.

I truly do rejoice in a reunification. I mean that wholeheartedly.

But I mourn for the cheeks I cannot kiss. The tears I will no longer wipe away. The encouragement I cannot give. The laughter I will not hear. The dance parties that will no longer be. The soft kisses they give my cheeks from their little mouths. The extra noise in our house. The messes. The chaos that is no longer. The boo boos I have kissed and made better. The sicknesses I will not hold them and comfort them through. The safety I can no longer promise and ensure under my roof. The songs they sing that I have taught them. The prayers they pray that bless my heart. The I love yous out of the blue. The "let me give you a big squeeze" daddy. The relentless chasing when it is nap time. The exhaustion at the end of my day. The joy & happiness I see in their eyes. Their smiles that light up a room. Their running to me with a 'MOMMY!!!!' & a great big hug when I get home from being gone somewhere. I mourn for the abruptness of this transition and my not being able to better prepare all 6 of our kids.

I weep for the insensitivity of others. I am frustrated at the lack of compassion and understanding from some involved parties. I am saddened by the strong bonds that have been broken too abruptly by the powers that be.

Our hearts and fight has only ever been for the best interest of these children, and I am saddened when I don't feel that has truly been grasped. Time can heal our wounds. Time may be what it takes. Time can help them adjust. However, when things happen so abruptly no one is allowed that time. Especially these precious little ones.

The outcome is what it is. It has always been the goal. One that we are on board with and have always been on board with. We have understood the goal. But the lack of adequate time allowed to best prepare these children & build ties, bridges, & bonds with biological family members I am saddened by.   To be seemingly cut off just hurts.

We all must move on.

We will all be okay. Our prayers will sustain us all.

We know the joy we brought to each other and we know the love that we all feel. We know the truths. We know the wonderful times we have had. We know that we have known these children better than anyone this past year. No one can ever take that away. No one can take away the good memories we have made or the impact we have forever made on one another. These children have left their footprints forever in our hearts. Their memory lives on in our homes. Their sweet, silly, yet sometimes sassy spirits will always be missed & cherished.

"Memories are a key not to the past, but to the future" -Corrie Ten Boom

You sweet babies will always be in our hearts, thoughts, prayers, & memories. We would never reject you. We will always want you. We will always love you.


Follow up 7/23/14
Letting Go

I Love Summer

I am absolutely not, in no way, shape or form saying this is the right way of doing things or the only way. It just happens to be my personal way that I want to share with my readers.

I have come to view summertime as a time to rebuild my family. A time to regain focus. A time for the kids to let loose and shed off anything negative from the prior school year. A healthy break. A break from friends, a break from routine and major structure.

Summertime is a time to undo any negative behaviors. It's a time to build stronger relationships as a family.

Summertime is a party.

Summer is like one big continuous weekend!

I love summer!

Our kids are involved in NOTHING.

I don't do summer school. I don't feel the need to plan all of these activities to keep the kids busy or involved. I just want to be home. Altogether. We fly by the seat of our pants more than anything, but that is what allows us to do the fun things. Sleepovers, Chicago, Fairs, Noah's Ark, Spencer Lake, Family time, Pools, Lakes, Grandparents, Cousins, Three Bears Lodge, etc. Fun isn't a chore because our weeks are crazy with "activities".

Carter will do a week of camp. We do a VBS. And a reading program at the library. But these are all fun things that make the kids think of SUMMER!

Now, don't get me wrong. I, like every other mom, have my days that my little chatterboxes drive me bonkers with their nonstop talk and sometimes endless arguing. But I never, ever regret the way we do summer. I never wish time would fly by. I am not "ready for school to start". I never am. I don't roll my eyes about my kids being home.

About a week or two before school starts we begin our routine of earlier bed times, more structure, etc. Once school does start we are back in the swing of things like no other. But we are ready because we've valued our time together as a family! Just like during the school year, when Monday hits we are ready because our batteries have been recharged with the weekend.

I LOVE summer. I love having my kids home!

The Power of a Man's Influence

You may not like the beat or you may love it. (I love it) Either way this song is about the power of your influence, be it good or bad. People are watching you.

Parenting Tidbit

I think one of my biggest parenting struggles tends to be time. And remembering that to a child love is usually most often spelled T-I-M-E. I need to make more time, as well as take more time in any given situation. Time goes way too fast as it is. I do enjoy my kids and try to make the most of opportunities. I've never wished time away, but rather wish it would slow down. But sometimes I just need to ignore all else in the busyness of my day when it comes to my kids in general. To really strive to live in each moment and savor it.

I read this quote on Pinterest:

Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. 

If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, 

they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them ALL of it has been big stuff. 

-Catherine M. Wallace

I have to listen eagerly. 

I have to listen earnestly.