July 23, 2014

Letting Go

I think letting go may be one of the hardest choices we have to make in our life here on earth. Letting go of loved ones; Saying goodbye and cutting bonds or ties; Lacking closure. All of which I, myself, am not good at. Especially the closure part.

Things left unsaid.
Questions unanswered.
One last I love you.
One last hug.
Rushed goodbyes.

However, sometimes letting go can be a very selfless act as well. As well as absolutely necessary.

To allow wings to fly.
Blooms to blossom.
Growth that otherwise maybe couldn't happen.

Selfishly, and admittedly I want another hug. I want to hear their voices. I want to hold the chubby baby boy whose mama I was blessed to be for 7 mos. I want to snuggle that sweet & sassy little girl. See her sweet dimples. Let her kiss my cheeks a million times over. Just one more time. Oh what I'd give to kiss the top of that sweet little boy's head. So sensitive. So fragile. So kind and precious. The little boy who was attached to my side for almost a year. Those little glasses. The tight curls on the top of his head. To see their smiles and hear their laughter. To reassure my little mama's boy. Just one more time...But even then, that still wouldn't be enough.

We gave them our all. We loved them as our own.

To be cut off and lack such closure.

It's hard.

Really, really hard.

But we need to let go...

Not for us. No. For them.

Being cut off is okay. For them. Because I do realize to hear our voices, to keep in touch when they don't understand could only cause harm. To not understand why they had to leave; Why they can't come home to us. It could only confuse them.

I have come to realize they need to forget us, because that is better. Not for us, but for them. So their memories can be with their parents and the family that loves them, although it seems impossible, probably even more than we ever could. They were only ours for such a time.

The memories will always be ours.
The joys, the highs, the lows, the growth, the love, the strong bond, the tears, the laughter, the life we had with them for 10 months, no one can take that from us. Those are ours.
The memories are our gift for letting go.
A gift that we will always embrace.

And maybe someday, sometime, when the time is right, we will run into them or hear something that can just bring us the peace and closure that isn't ours yet.

Until then we must let them go. But in our hearts they will always be. On our minds, in our dreams, and forever in our prayers.

Follow up to But They Call Me Mommy