8 Things To Never Say To Someone With Depression

In writing this I realize the confession I am making. However, in lieu of this week's terrible tragedy and all of the news surrounding Robin Williams, I feel there is no time more appropriate than this. As someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety, I understand the deep pit and I understand how alone one can feel, I have heard the many words that don't help, I've been asked questions that make it worse, I have heard comments that cause the pit to deepen and the anxiety levels to rise. 

Since learning the tragic news about Robin Williams, I have read well-meaning posts about depression by well-meaning people, but unfortunately the uneducated comments can do more harm than good. Those who have not experienced depression personally are better off sealing lips and just listening with a genuine smile. I don't say any of this to condemn or in haste at all. I just want to bring about an understanding to this disease, as well as an understanding to mental illness in general. Sadly, there has become such a stigma humans have put around mental illness that causes those who struggle to want to run the other way. Often our well-meaning words can cause others to feel more alone than ever. There isn't a magical answer. There are no specific powerful words that heal. Watch what you say and strive to just listen when given a chance. Try to be wise so your words don't make things worse...

1. "You must not have enough faith in God, Just trust the Lord"

Struggling with depression does not mean someone isn't putting their faith in God. Depression has no bearing on one's relationship or lack their of, with God. Without my faith and trust in God I don't know where I would be! I thank Jesus that He IS with me in the midst of my struggles. Even yet, the pit still exists. That sinking feeling in my stomach is still there. The sadness that lurks is still in there. My brain still races 100 miles per minute. My thoughts go here, there, everywhere, and every which way in between. The implication that my struggle with anxiety and depression are the result of a lack of faith in God suggests that mental health isn't a real physical issue.

2. "You just need to think positively"

I am actually a very optimistic person. I see the good in others. I strive to be a peacemaker. I like to help others see the silver lining. In regards to depression and anxiety, I am really just wired that way. It's the way my brain processes things. Similar to a healthy, organic, active person with asthma, high cholesterol, a heart condition, etc. Some people are just wired a certain way and that is just how it goes. Nothing you say will "fix" someone. The more you try, the deeper you might be digging their pit and shoving them down even further. There is no magical thought I can think that will pull me from a bout with depression or anxiety.

3. "Stay away from meds, you don't want to be on that stuff" (Go to a 'natural' Doctor...)

Zoloft saved my life. Period. It makes me feel like me. Yet, I have been ashamed to admit or tell others I was on something. Afraid of the critique of others. The humiliation that can go with needing a psych drug. I was blessed to have a doctor who told me she has been there and that there is nothing wrong with taking meds. She validated my every being and thought. She validated me as a woman, wife, and mother. She just simply understood. Often, we cannot take care of the spiritual, if we don't balance the imbalances and deal with the mental.

4. "Suicidal people are selfish"

I have not personally been suicidal or ever tried to take my own life.  I have however, been so low that I begged God to just let me die though. To just take me home to heaven. And I didn't think twice about anyone else. Many that contemplate suicide seriously think the world would be fine without them, and they don't think of those who would miss them. They are not trying to be selfish at all, they are just so terribly sunk in that deep pit that they desperately just want out and sometimes that means they take their own lives. When the sadness gets to that point of utter desperation it causes you to see nothing else but sadness, gloom, darkness, and dread. ( I also know that some meds can have the uncommon side effect of suicidal thoughts which is why one must be monitored closely and in constant discussion with your doctor to try and find the right medication and dose for you. )

5. "Seek help, seek other people out"

Depression feels dark and shameful. When you are in the midst of depression all you want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep. Your motivation is zero. Sometimes you might have that moment that you may seek out someone if you're in a confident mode. But more times than not, in the midst of depression, comes big time insecurity. One isn't always thinking about who they can talk to because they are embarrassed. Depression can be mortifying. How about being that person who holds a hand and says 'let's talk to someone together who can help'.

6. "What have you got to be depressed about?"

One's life can be amazing. One may be so blessed. And know there isn't anything to be anxious or down about. But we still feel it. It's still there. Regardless. It doesn't matter the circumstance. Depression can still exist in the midst of a seemingly perfect life. Depression is dark and lonely. Anxiety and depression go hand in hand, as you may feel depressed for being anxious and anxious about being depressed. It's a vicious cycle that plays tricks on your mind causing an unrest like no other. Just validate my feelings, because if I could help it, I would. 

7. "Just get over it. Come on cheer up!"

If only. Lack of validation will not lead me to hope in desperation.

8. "You're a mess"

If more people would practice empathy and use compassion, grace and understanding I think those with depression and other mental illnesses could begin to feel comfortable to seek help or talk about it more. There is this feeling of indignity, shame, & humiliation that goes with any mental illness. There's a certain negativity that causes insecurity and an even greater loneliness for those suffering. 

Depression and anxiety are treatable. Mental illness is manageable. One can live a very normal, exciting, joy filled life.  Chances are there are more people around you than you realize, struggling with a mental illness of some kind. Watch what you say and the disgrace you allow your words to display. Educate yourself before speaking. Chances are unless you have been there, you will never truly understand.  Know that when a person deals with depression and anxiety, for them it's near impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Be sympathetic. Be gracious. Slow to speak. Quick to listen. 


To further educate this is a great website http://bbrfoundation.org/

I Need a "Me Too"

I have been in a sort of a funk/battle over the past month. It's been tough to say the least. But honestly, it's something I have brought on myself in many ways.

Somewhere life has gotten out of balance. Somewhere I stopped listening and hearing God's voice the way I used to. I've gotten inconsistent with being in the word. I've become distracted with life. It didn't happen over night but over the course of a couple of years I would say.

On top of that I feel like I have to be strong all of the time or else something is wrong with me. Does anyone else feel that way? I feel like I should be happy all of the time because life is good. I AM SO blessed.

If I am so blessed, which I am, why does my soul feel so down trodden?

I think that has been the hardest thing to grasp these past 5 weeks that I have been on this roller coaster.

These past 5 weeks I have felt depressed, anxious, hopeless, and confused.

My life has gotten out of balance.

I have allowed anger & bitterness to get the best of me. The anger has caused a lot of anxiety. Bitterness has caused me to focus on what has been done wrong over the years and has given those things more power than seeing the blessings in my life. I've allowed times of sadness to turn into anger, instead of crying them out.

I've held things inside and remained silent all in the name of "not wanting to gossip" or be "negative".

The thing really is that I tend to deal with things alone. For as much as I want to be vulnerable and truly me, I fear what people think. I assume that if I am not strong and full of joy continuously then something is wrong with me.  But it's normal to feel. It's normal to hurt and be sad when things happen.

There's times I have been vulnerable and my words have been twisted or turned and used against me. So then I keep more inside.

Looking back on my life, when 'big things' have happened, even stemming back to my parents divorce when I was 16 years old, I have internalized my feelings & emotions. I try dealing with things on my own in my own mind rather than talk things out with trusted sources. I remember people trying to reach out to me during that time and I responded with a smile & an "I'm fine". When I was in 3rd grade a friend of mine died and I didn't even sit with my family at his funeral because I didn't want to be consoled by anyone. I just wanted to wallow alone. This habit of "I'm fine" hasn't worked well for me. So I don't really know why I do it. I don't know why I feel like needing others is weak.

It's probably a lot of pride, which I admit, is one of my biggest battles.

In my life there really has been more good than bad. But if I compare my life to many others it would 'appear' to have had more hardships & tough situations that many haven't had to ever deal with or go through. Problem in that is comparing my life to others in the first place.

So when and how did my life get so out of whack now? Even too much of a good thing can be bad. Life has gotten busy and I have consumed my mind with too many "Other" things.

I worry what people think. I feel guilty easily. I worry about others hurting others. I worry about things I can't control. And then I get anxious and my stomach gets in knots.

In this time in our lives where God is allowing a time of refreshing and rebalance I find "crap hitting the fan" in my head-internally- in my time of stillness. I've been in this place before. But that was about 15 years ago when I didn't even own a computer or have a cell phone.

So now as I get my life back in proper balance, I know I need to limit my time with social media as well, because when you are struggling and all you see in the world is how "GREAT" life appears for everyone else it's just another dagger in your funk battle. Most people only post the good and it's too easy to compare ourselves and our lives to others. Facebook and Twitter isn't reality though. Social media is filled with a lot of people pretending everything is fine.

And then there's the news and politics...Sorry friends, I just can't do it. It stresses me out and gives me anxiety about my kids' future. I've had to "hide" friends on fb who just stress me out. :)

I've had to really get back in the word. Say no to people and embrace the stillness as a time to heal and mend from life's ups & downs through the years.

Sometimes the best thing we can hear in our times of need are two powerful words... "Me Too"

I've been able to say me too to many people and I do take my battles as blessings which allow me to empathize with others. To be understanding and be a shoulder to lean on. The more you go through in life the more people you can relate to. I never want to come across as a know it all, but I do understand a lot because I've experienced a lot.

Right now, I need a shoulder. I need some "Me Too's".

To know I am not alone. To know another has been there.

I'm ready to get out of this funk. I'm ready to have joy & contentment in ALL things. But I know that a life out of balance takes time getting back on track. Even if the things we have been balancing are mostly good things. I know that "This Too Shall Pass" but it's not feeling like it will be soon enough.

On Edge

The title speaks for itself.

This is me.

The way I have been feeling.

It's really a whole bunch of things. That moment when everyone drives you insane. Every post you read makes you want to swear. The smallest situation that can set you off.

I am on edge. I hate being on edge. The following will show you just how so on edge I am...

People and their pompous, arrogant ways.

A lady at the gym I may just sock one to the next time I smile at her and she just looks at me with her ugly scowl. Yea, that's right lady, I will wipe that freaken scowl right off your pointy face. (I JUST HAVE TO SHARE THIS LITTLE UPDATE 5-1-12 The lady at the gym had a very cute dress on today...So I made a point to tell her "I really like your dress". She said thanks. I said "super cute". She said thanks again. And now I am over it because she accepted my TRUE compliment which erased my on edge-ness with her) :)

Bickering, arguing, bickering, arguing...sets me off.

Some people's happiness and perfect little lives put me on edge.

People who ask too many questions set me off.

Sometimes I don't want to answer questions. Sometimes I don't want to talk about myself. Can't I just listen to you?

People who have used us, crushed us and thrown us to the wayside and then carried on with their little life sets me off.

All the fitness crap I have become so over-obsessed reading. Eat this, don't eat this, do this, do that...Try it all, yet weigh the same. That sets me off. :)

The person who would comment on this that I need to count my blessings, puts me on edge. My blessings are counted. I am still on edge.

The mom with kids who barely has to work at her hot body sets me off.

Politics and stupidity sets me off.

Messes, clutter, my dog shedding, light when I am trying to sleep makes me on edge.

People loving and adoring a person that I know is a crooked fool puts me on edge.

When I am on to someone, but no one else is...or everyone else thinks that person is a saint, puts me on edge.

The unknown keeps me on edge.

People who play unnecessary, immature games set me off.

Not being listened to.

Being misunderstood.

People who talk about stuff like they know what they are talking about but haven't a clue and then get extra opinionated keep me on edge.

Advice when I didn't ask for it puts me on edge.

'Know it all's' put me on edge.

I am overwhelmed with who knows what...and on edge. I don't like feeling this way.

What am I doing to try and help myself and change my perspective?

1. Limit what I read.
In regards to the fitness stuff and news. All the don't do's and the must do's.

2. Recognize there are *certain days I must limit my time perusing facebook because that's when I read posts that annoy me the most as it pertains to certain people and places.
I am also limiting what comes to my phone because some people and their tweets put me on edge.
I have been quite delete & block happy lately :) It's SO liberating.

3. The doctor has ordered MORE SLEEP
I am trying very, very hard. Ideally 8 hours would be fabulous, but even 7 is better than the on average 5 hrs of sleep I currently get. Plus lack of sleep makes me fat.

4. Not being afraid of calling people out on their crap. Being a little more gutsy & confident.

5. Read my bible & pray more...I have admittedly been slacking at this in the midst of the busyness of life

6. Admitting my struggle & how I am feeling is humiliating & makes me vulnerable which in turn keeps me humble.

So this post is mostly for me. When I air my stuff I feel better.

But it's also for anyone else who feels or has felt so on edge that everyone and everything drives you bonkers. Or when life just seems to keep throwing lemon after lemon at you and you just cannot bring yourself to make the lemonade or find the silver lining in any of it.

Vulnerability in Times of Temptation

I am just loving this woman and her vulnerability! So much of what she posts and speaks is so relatable for me. Having gone through many of the same things she has in her life, I am just so encouraged by her honesty.


While, my blog is about being truly me and vulnerable, I don't expect everyone to air their dirty laundry all over the place unless you are comfortable and led to do so. But, I will say, there is such power in sharing our struggles, shortcomings, joys, highs, lows, etc.


When we can be vulnerable and real we are so much more approachable. Our life can be such an example to so many if we will allow it. I am so encouraged when I can read or hear that someone has gone through or is currently struggling with a similar struggle that I am or have.


Vulnerability is about leaning on each other, encouraging another, not judging each other. It's about admitting the truth. Admitting what you are going through. And holding one another up.


We fear vulnerability because we fear rejection.


God accepts you as you are. So be vulnerable and let Him use you!


Today I read this post from Tricia Goyer and was so encouraged. That's what being vulnerable does, it helps you feel a sense of norm in the midst of your struggle, which in turn makes you feel comfort vs struggling alone. When we can open up, we can find partners in our struggles. Friends whom we can lift one another up. Armor bearers. More times than not, when you say "this is what I am going through" to a trusted friend, they will tell you a similar thing they are going through or have gone through. It just works that way.


In Tricia's post she asks What about you? What advice would you give? Or if you found yourself attracted to someone already married (or someone other than your spouse), what did/would you do?


(You have to read her post to understand the advice :)) The advice I would give is of course to pray. Pray for strength. Pray for that person. Turn your struggle into prayer time & some big time one on one with God. Focus on the solution which is being strong & resisting temptation. Knowing your feelings can be common and normal, but not letting that be a license to give in to temptation.  Resisting the urge to give in & knowing that flirting with lines in marriage are not okay. Make boundaries. Limit your time around that person. What we feed grows and what we starve dies. We make vows, commitments, & promises not to break them, but to fulfill them and continue fighting for them. Feed your marriage, starve your temptation. (And that goes for any temptation)


I love when Tricia says "If those feelings are there don't dwell on them. When you are near him and feel those feeling emerging, start praying for this man's marriage and family, as hard as it can be".  I would add, maybe he's not married, maybe you both are, or maybe just you are...so Pray for your marriage and family. Pray for him that God would bring him a godly wife & for his walk with God. But don't dwell on temptations. Focus on the solution.  Bringing everything to God. Count your blessings and don't believe the lie that the grass is greener on the other side. Even if it appears pretty plump & green.


Lastly, don't suffer in silence. Tell someone your struggle. Whatever it is. Lean on someone you can trust. 

Pleasantville VS Reality

According to Social Media a lot of my friends currently live in Pleasantville. Where life is daisies & fluff. Where life smells like roses & cherries. Everyone is SO blessed. Everyone is best friends. Everyone has THE perfect spouse. The most obedient, well behaved, cutest, always clean, never pee in their pants kids. Life is just hunky dory.

I mean, come on. Really? Really. Your life is seriously this fabulous ALL of the time? No. It isn't. That's not reality.

We live in this world of REAL life and then Social Media life.

A world where we have to pretend because our stalkers might see the real us. We fear the real us. Bosses might fire you for admitting something on the internet we all think, say or do. We might not get hired because of our Facebook activity. It's gotten so lame for some.

Modern Technology = 2012. It's the way people communicate today. So if it's the way we communicate why not be real? Why all this fluff?

While I am totally a glass half full, look at the positive, count your blessings type of person...I do have bad days. And sometimes I just want to be real. Sometimes I want to tell you I am having a bad day without feeling judged by the onlookers that think..."I can't believe she is admitting that". The last person anyone wants to open up to or be real with, is someone from the land of Pleasantville.

My world doesn't always smell like cherries. Though right now, if I really had to find a time we were the "happiest"...it may just be right now. Freedom galore.  My own little life is great. So this is NOT coming from a 'my life sucks so I'm gonna rain on your parade' attitude. Because if ever there was a time that it sucked, surely it's not now.

I think I have most often strived to be vulnerable in my life. Whether through social media or one on one. A lack of vulnerability has always frustrated me. Fake people have never NOT driven me insane, let's put it that way.

I say this from a heart that desires more sincerity. More vulnerable hearts. More honesty. More depth. More realness. Less fakeness. Less fruity fluff.

No, don't air your dirty laundry all over the place. No don't be a Debbie Downer and suck the life out of us. Vent if you need to, but you don't have to be a jerk about it. Just be real. There are ways to say & do things obviously. It just comes down to real vs fake. Reality vs Unreality.

I just wish there was more of a balance from people.

Some people and their posts. Ay yi yi..I mean do you really talk that way in life? All that weird lingo, saying the right things. Churchy words? Typing out what sounds so eloquent. All your lovey dovey, who haa. It's annoying. Who talks like that? Go get a job at a Greeting card company where your cheese would fit in quite well.

Miss June Cleaver, Stop trying to make others jealous by bragging about all of the good and only the good...all. of. the. stinking. time.

Life isn't a competition. Life isn't about who you can 'one up'. Honestly, when you brag, all that comes from it are people's annoyance. Sure people might feel envious, but is their envy worth their annoyance with you?

I don't know about you, but I think vulnerability is so refreshing.

We are usually blind to the power our vulnerability has. We've become so discouraged from embracing our vulnerability & letting others see it. But when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable we heal in ways we never thought possible, others heal from our willingness to be open & real. 


Vulnerability on our part makes us so much more sensitive & empathetic to others. It means you deal with your present feelings and emotions. Vulnerability is scary. It opens us up to hurts, pain, judgement, critique, rejection, etc. I know that doesn't sound real fun. But on the other end, it is so liberating and freeing. No pretending. No keeping up with the Joneses. No keeping up appearances. No having to keep track of your lies, embellishments or exaggerations.

When I hear someone be real and open I am more apt to hear and listen to what they have to say or share. Someone from Pleasantville on the other hand, yes, their words go in one ear & out the other.

If you are sad...It's okay to admit it. When you are rejoicing, we will rejoice with you. It's not about not saying what you are happy, excited, or blessed with. It's about balance. It's about your heart.

A catty, fake heart shows through the fluffiness.

A sincere heart shows through your honesty.

A person trying to one up the world or make another jealous is planning their own demise.

Stop exhausting yourself with all of the pretending.

Just be yourself. Be real. Be vulnerable. When you struggle let another stand with you. If you aren't comfortable telling the whole world you don't have to for crying out loud. Like I said, I don't think people should air their dirty laundry and be a bunch of Joy stealing, Negative Nellie's. Being vulnerable doesn't mean telling the whole world every little thing under the sun about your life. I'm not suggesting that.

Just be real. Start one on one. Open up to someone. Slowly but surely it will come out in other areas and people will be more likely to respect you & listen to what you have to say.

If someone asks you how you are, and honestly you are not doing well...Then don't go overboard telling them how hunky dory life is while you are dying alone inside.

Unforgiveness is My Issue

We all have something we are dealing with. Some issue in one way or another. Be it health, family, kids, spouse, personal, spiritual, physical, mental, etc. As soon as things are 'good', another issue is on the rise. . Sometimes major...But most of the time, or as I am choosing to say 'mostfully'...just some thing or another we are dealing with, in some way or another.

Right now if I am to be honest, my struggle is unforgiveness & bitterness as it pertains to a specific situation in my life. You know, it really stinks, because I have come so far in this area...or so I thought. Yes things have hurt me in my life over the years, people have frustrated me, but it was like God gave me the strength to forgive over & over and the true ability to kill another with kindness and just do the right thing no matter what. Boom, forgiven, slate wiped clean in the Laura book. (not that I even have the right to keep a slate)

I can do the right thing currently, but my attitude SUCKS.

I am hurt. Frustrated. Angry. Hurt. Sad. Hurt. Frustrated. Annoyed. In Shock. Whatever.

*Before you speculate, it is no one in my family.

I am trying my darnedest to move forward, but I have allowed bitterness to creep in my heart and take over. I am so angry at times I might swear at you. If I am being honest. Which I am. Being honest. I want to punch them.

Then... I read this and her letter has helped & spoken measures to me. "The forgiveness I give you is not a pass. You were wrong and you will always have been wrong" those words are for any of us struggling to forgive someone who has done us wrong in any way. 


Forgiveness isn't a free ticket to be crapped on. Forgiveness doesn't free the persecutor, its frees us, the crapee. God will deal with them. And right now that knowledge alone is what brings me some semblance of moving forward.


When we are done wrong...we want that person to know they did us wrong. To know they were in the wrong. 


Sadly, pride and arrogance doesn't pave the way for owning up to wrongdoings. 


It's out of my control. What you do...what another does...what they did...


So, for now I work on forgiving. I know it takes time. I know that I can at least acknowledge my need to forgive and lack there of, as well as the bitterness that has crept into my entire being. I will get through it. I will get past this seemingly stand-still moment in time. 


Forgiving doesn't discount the hurt. They were wrong. They will always have been wrong. 


I cannot let their wrong consume me though...


And I have. I have let it consume my every thought. It has made me skeptical of anyone like them. Anyone in their shoes or lifestyle. That's not fair. But right now I am struggling, feeling as though they are one in the same. These types of people. And true as it may be...it's not fair for me to speculate, assume, & judge unfairly.


The cycle of unforgiveness, bitterness, & resentment is a vicious one at that.


For now...I'm trying.


Mother Teresa said it like this:
People are often unreasonable, irrational, & self centered
FORGIVE THEM ANYWAY
If you are kind people might accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives
BE KIND ANYWAY
If you are successful you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies
SUCCEED ANYWAY
If you are honest & sincere, people may deceive you
BE HONEST & SINCERE ANYWAY
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight
CREATE ANYWAY
If you find serenity & happiness some may be jealous
BE HAPPY ANYWAY
The good you do today will often be forgotten
DO GOOD ANYWAY
Give the best you have and it will never be enough
GIVE YOUR BEST ANYWAY
In the final analysis, it is between you & God
IT WAS NEVER BETWEEN YOU & THEM ANYWAY

Randoms

Here are some random facts about me that hopefully spark random facts about YOU that you are willing to share in the name of some good old fashioned random fun.

Random #1
My teeth are so sensitive, especially to cold. If it's windy outside I need to try and inconspicuously cover my teeth with my mouth. Laughing outside in the cold is painful. Talking outside in the cold is painful. Smiling in the cold is painful. Ice cream takes me an eternity to eat. When I eat my morning yogurt w/fresh fruit or a salad with strawberries, I need to ideally get the fruit to room temperature first.

Random #2
I will not stop at a rest stop/wayside if my husband is not with me. Whether driving all alone, or alone with the kids on a trip, I will always surpass a "rest stop" for a gas station or restaurant. You never know what weirdo could be lurking around the wayside...one just never knows.

Random #3
I trip over the air I can be so uncoordinated

Random #4
When writing I attempt to use punctuation the way I am thinking, and since I am a pretty passionate, not real mild human being, I use a lot of exclamation points!!!!

Random #5
I always leave cupboard doors open & I drive myself nuts.

Give me the names of 3 objects or things you love most...
Kenra Hair Products, L'Bri skincare, Coffee...


Give me the names of 3 objects or things you dislike most...
Politics, mean people, & when people talk about stuff or make general statements/form an opinion about something they haven't an idea about & in turn make themselves look really ignorant


Tell me about something you really care about?
Children, Human Trafficking, Orphans, & Reading labels/healthy eating

What scares you the most and why?
Restraint-tight spaces...feeling suffocated, beings boxed in or held down...I think this could cause me to panic to death


When was the last time you lied and to whom and why?
My husband. "Laura, did you put coconut oil in this?" My response "no"...


Are you usually late, early or right on time?
Chronically late


If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Italy


If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
A house with a big yard & orphans to love


What is the last movie that you saw at the cinema?
The Vow


What kind of books do you like to read?
Historical fiction


Are you a morning person or a night owl?
Night owl

Some Monday Reflections...

There is nothing like a long drive all alone to give you time to reflect. Yesterday I was driving home from a fabulous, absolutely fantastic Girls Weekend away in Minneapolis. Minneapolis in general brings about a world of emotion for me. It was a place God brought us to and that I followed & went hesitantly. Leaving all I knew and a place where everything was seemingly perfect. It was one of those God kept leading, pulling, and tugging situations until we would obediently follow. It was a place where a picture was painted one way, and then upon arrival we saw what we signed up for. Most of all it was a place where God wanted us temporarily.

We left an amazing youth ministry that we had been apart of for 8 years & an awesome church that we loved and where we were so loved. To begin the journey I was pregnant with baby #3. Jeremy had to go ahead and make the move without us, while I stayed back to sell the house. 4 months of living a part, which in the grand scheme of life is nothing, but when you are hormonal as ALL get out, it can feel like an eternity.

When we finally moved I had 10 weeks left of my pregnancy. Moving day comes and I begin to have some minor complications...Resembling something I went through during my first pregnancy which put me on bed rest. Oh for the love Jesus, why now? Moving day... That put a stress on me like no other. I had a miscarriage before baby #2, so any issue that somewhat resembles any kind of pregnancy danger can do a number on your heart and mind. Top that off with leaving our family and friends and already being hormonal...this is how I personally entered in to our MN journey.

My first Sunday at our new church it took everything within me not to break down and cry. I walked around just fighting tears & holding back my every emotion. I didn't want to be there. No matter how hard I tried and how much I persevered, I was absolutely heartbroken. Leaving our kids back at our old church. Leaving my little brother who was in 8th/9th grade & still in our youth ministry. Where will he end up without us? Leaving family & friends and people who still needed us was just sad. Knowing how much it crushed others that we were leaving was harder than anything. I don't say that to pat myself on the back or elude to the fact that we are exceptionally special. Though God does find us all, exceptionally special. Its just that we left A LOT and it was really, really hard!

Obedience to God's plan isn't always easy, but it is necessary. Jesus didn't exactly run to the cross saying "Okay, kill me, kill me! Beat me, beat me!" He even prayed that God would take this cup from Him, "Not my will, but yours be done". Jesus is the prime example of obedience to God's will & in facing the ultimate cross. We all have crosses to bear. We all have mountains to climb with weight on our shoulders, We all have times of feeling persecuted, beaten down, & having our spirit's crushed. Jesus is our example of obedience no matter what.

It's taken me a while to truly allow the Lord to bring all of my thoughts together and to write about this and allow Him to use this portion of my life. Because I experienced some big time hurts when we first got there.

Sometimes our time there felt like a corny Lifetime movie where all of the movie watchers & the main character know of the culprits true colors, but everyone else is blind to it. Causing the main character to resemble the psychotic one. And you are just waiting and waiting for the end of the movie where the truth comes out & you are no longer looking like the guilty, bad guy.

As I had time to reflect over this part of my life, I can say that I first went to MN dragging my feet. Then Ironically, moved back to where the Lord moved us from in the first place dragging my feet. So MN was a great time. Its a place I love. Filled with people I adore. I would move back in a heartbeat, but again, God's plan prevails. Any place we have left, we have gone not necessarily wanting to or embracing what was next off the top of the bat. But going because God lead us. It's important to leave a place well.

So, back to my first Sunday at our new church in MN, I will never forget 2 women that immediately reached out to me by validating all that I was feeling. They didn't even know how sad my heart was. One just knew they had once left their home to move far away and enter the unknown, and the other knew what ministry life can be like and how people can expect you to just embrace them off the bat and be there for them like you are Mother Teresa. Pastors wife or not, I'm a human being with real feelings. I knew that "this too shall pass" but at the moment I was in the thick of it. And the thick of it felt like the world running around me expecting me to hop on and do everything their way or how they felt I should live my life, be a mom & a wife. And most of the "opinions" came from unmarried people, newlyweds, or those without kids. It was so hard.

Its easy to have an opinion about something we know nothing about.

We all have flaws stitched together with good intentions. I didn't mean to come across as hating a place. But I have to say, people weren't making it easy to love at this point. Never in my adult life had I endured more tearful nights at the expense of another's actions or words. Being gossiped about, stinks. Trying to be the best wife & mother you can be while being ridiculed for doing so is not an easy task at all.

But I stuck to my guns through the tough times and NEVER did my priorities waver. Not once. God first, Husband & kids next...then comes ministry. And my kids though young, have yet to resent ministry, because for us it has always been a family thing. Our kids are apart of it. And if they can't be, I sometimes stay back to be with them, or we get a sitter depending on the situation and what I feel is best for our family. But we will never sacrifice our family on the altar of ministry. And you shouldn't either. Whether it be a job, ministry, whatever. Don't ever sacrifice your family. God spoke to me over & over "You have the rest of your life for ministry outside of your home, right now your kids are your ministry and they will only be in your house for so long". After all, I am their only mother and the only woman who will answer for how she raised her girls.

Our family became SO strong during our time in Minnesota. And in the meantime, God brought amazing friends into our lives. We have made lifelong friends. Met families that have impacted us greatly. Worked with amazing students and leaders! Grew in amazing ways. Learned so many life lessons in such a short time.

When I was still really new, before my baby3 was born, a fellow pastor's wife, brought me aside and said "I couldn't do it"..."I don't know how you did it"..."I couldn't have done it"...That was it. VALIDATION! She has no idea the impact of her validation in that season of my life.

Oh how we need to validate one another more often! How we must be tender and compassionate towards eachother. Less judging, and more love, grace & understanding!

**A little side note...there's an awesome miracle in all of this too...Pregnant and living alone. Taking care of 2 little ones by myself...In the winter, requiring a lot of shoveling and house selling stress. Some red flags & scariness on moving day...Makenna comes 3 weeks early and totally healthy...BUT the way the cord was attached to the "I hate this word" placenta...Basically it could have ripped at any point. During pregnancy, labor, etc. And resulted in immediate death. It's called Vasa Previa. When vasa previa is not detected there is a 95% chance of stillbirth. They didn't detect it in any ultrasound. This vasa previa was because of a valamentous cord insertion, wheras, again is miraculous. Because usually when that is detected they need you to have a c-section at 35 weeks as labor can cause death. Makenna was born at 37 weeks. I'm sorry, but if you don't believe in miracles...**

So a new move, a new baby, a non-resilient, at the time 5 year old who cries nightly because of the move, as if by obeying God, we are torturing her in the process. It was an emotional move for all of us.

But God brought about women, who without even knowing what I was feeling, validated me in ways I cannot be grateful enough for! 

And friends...Ohhh, dear, dear friends I will be blessed for a lifetime with. God is so good.

The Lord taught me forgiveness. He taught me grace. He taught me how to do the right thing, even when I felt like punching someone in the face. He taught me how to rise above & be confident in who I am and in the wife & mother He has called me to be no matter what any outside, naive source thinks. God is so good. I had a neighborhood and home I loved. I was so blessed during our time in MN. God blesses us so much when we obey. He blesses us when we do the right thing in tough situations. God blesses us for being gracious. And in being gracious there are no regrets. Gossip gets to anyone. Gossip hurts. Rumors stink. But pressing on and doing what's right brings such peace in the midst of hard times.

Had we not persevered and pressed on through tough times, we would have so many regrets. Instead, we have a place we love :) People I have forgiven...Because in Jesus example on the cross when He says "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" He gives us the power to choose to see people through God's eyes. And when we battle with another, it's not really them, but the enemy through them, using his manipulative & weaseling ways to get under our skin. As God can use us, so can the enemy.

We hold so much power in our choices.

Choose to love.

Choose to validate someone daily.

Choose to refrain from being sucked in to gossip & rumors.

Choose not to spread your speculations or personal opinions as facts.

Choose to speak kindly.

Choose to understand another. 

Choose to forgive.

Choose to kill people with kindness.

Choose to do what's right even when you don't feel like it.

Choose to obey God's leading wherever you are.

A Different Kind of Normal

I have had this post title on my mind for a good month by now. I have so much I feel like I want to share. But I find myself at a road block as to how to share it. Where to start. What to say or what not to say. Will I be misunderstood? Will people know my heart? Will people judge? Will they speculate more?

I know people mean well. In general, I think people are good. After all my family has only known ministry-life together. So when people see our new normal I imagine it sparks curiosity. Can I really blame you for being curious? Not really...

So, where to begin.

For the first time in my and Jeremy's existence as "Laura & Jeremy" we are not in full time ministry. We have taken a little 'hiatus' one could say. It's weird. It's awesome. It's scary. It's sad. It's exciting. It feels a little naked. It's freeing. It's awkward. It's a blessing. And for some reason causes great emotion to rise as I type this. Sometimes I want to cry at the drop of a hat. Sometimes I want to shout "FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I AM FREE AT LAST"! One thing that's not changed is we have never doubted our Jesus. We have not feared what we lack. God is good, all of the stinking time. We trust Him wholeheartedly. Only He knows the story He is writing for our lives and I am happy for the role we get to play and the ways He has used us, continues to use us, and will use us in new ways.

Life is interesting to say the least. I mean, it can definitely throw you some unexpected curve balls. I, personally want answers to life's mysteries. But I've learned through this, that sometimes you just aren't going to get all of the how's or why's; the reasons, or the missing pieces. And we really just need to be okay with that. If I can learn to be okay with it in my own life, surely you who wonder or speculate can be okay not knowing and just love us for us.

I'd be lying if I didn't often allow my mind to wander off to far away places of what -ifs and maybe we should have. But the would've, should've, could'ves are in the past. Why dwell on what was, what isn't, what could have been, what should have been, etc. when it just flat out ISN'T. But it's easy to think staying in "this place"....doing "this thing or that" would make all of the difference. Really, this is apart of the story God is writing. So while it's a heck of a lot different than we planned or thought, it's all apart of God's big picture. And He is in control.

In the process of embracing this new normal, I find both positives and negatives, as we can about any situation. I shouldn't really say negatives, because honestly, our life is great. Our family is thriving. We have time on our hands. We get to be normal people. Like, a normal, real family.

No magnifying glass. No scrutiny over our every whim. I get to be 100% totally & truly me, without inhibition. No one to put me in a box. NO MORE BOX! I love living outside of the box. And this has shown me that there is soooo much more we can do! There are so many opportunities that await us! Ministry 100% totally GOD's way! And no one to tell us when to sit, how to sit, what to sit on, etc. NO. MORE. BOX. :) :) :)

Don't get me wrong though, I miss pastoring too. I miss it a lot. It's all I have known as an adult. As a wife. And as a mother. How do I do life as a non-active pastors wife? Do I still fit in the little pastoral circle? Am I a part of the club? Or do I not fit in? Because I kinda feel like I'm not fitting in. I'm a little on the outside. But where do I fit in?

And there is something I have noticed that makes me sad. Quite sad, is the way christians treat normal people vs pastors wives/families. I feel a little like a heathen when I meet a new christian now. Where when someone knew I was a pastor's wife an instant "respect" was often bestowed upon me. An instant kindness offered. Sad, but true. I don't mean it pridefully, it's just something I have noticed lately. It makes a person's self esteem waver. It causes insecurities to rise. Because now, people need to get to know me for me. Not Pastor Jeremy's wife. Me. Just, plain old Laura. And I tell you, I am a confident person in general. But a drastic, somewhat traumatic change can cause a lot of 'feel sorry for yourself' feelings to rise. Right or wrong, they happen.

This new normal allows a new insight into BOTH sides. Where before when I was on one side, I was young, single, etc. Now I have been on the "IN"side for so long...being back over here on the 'out'side causes a whole new perspective.  I know my Jesus is going to use this perspective and new insight. Even though it stinks sometimes, I am excited!

New insight = New opportunity

I have had to remind myself that those who truly know us know our character and what is in it and what is out of it. So true friends can just know there's more to things sometimes. But it's not worth knowing it all. If I'm content with not having all of the answers, so can anyone be.

Life is great. We've learned so much wherever God has taken us. We are grateful for every church we have been a part of and the relationships made and lifelong friendships we get to carry wherever we go. Since being married we have been true to ourselves, our principles, kept our priorities straight and for that I am proud of my sweet little family.

I consider this hiatus a time of refreshing, healing, strengthening and rest.

We are blessed.
We like where God has us.
We are embracing our new normal.
We know we are where God wants us right now.

Ministry just looks different than it ever has before for us.