But They Call Me Mommy...

I have never been good at goodbyes.
I don't like them.
They are awkward.
I never know when enough is enough or the time should be up.
I really need a lot of time to say goodbye.
I prefer them to be long and drawn out, rather than quick and abrupt. I need closure. (Whatever that really is) When you say goodbye to someone what should you say? I like people to know how much they mean to me or have meant to me. I want people to know that our time together is appreciated & valued. That I cherish them. That I cherish the moments. That letting go is hard.  Especially when you know it's a true goodbye, not a 'see you soon' or 'see ya later', but an actual, 'I will probably never see you again (not by my choice) goodbye'.

The anticipation of a goodbye feels like a dark cloud hanging over my head.

This past week we said goodbye to 3 precious children whom we didn't have to grow to love but loved the moment we knew they would be coming. Because love is a choice. It's a decision you make. Love is an action and we chose to love these 3 adorable little ones. An action that came so natural for all of us. These kids just molded right into our home and family as if they have been a part from the start. There wasn't a real adjustment part on their end. They really just melted our hearts immediately and seemed to feel so comfortable here from the start. They called us mommy & daddy, not because we told them to (because we didn't), but because that's what they heard our older kids call us. And to them, we were mommy & daddy. We loved them as our own, treated them as our own, embraced them as our own.

Our families, friends, church & entire community embraced these kids. So naturally. Seemingly effortlessly. Our little ones had friends, family, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, teachers that have all felt the loss as we have.

How do you say goodbye to a child?
How do you explain why they cannot live with you anymore while hoping they do not feel rejected by you?
How can you give a child the most consistency & stability they have ever had and then just say goodbye?
What do you say to the sweet little boy that says "No, I not going, I stay here, this is my house"?

I say we love you so much. We will always love you. I would love for you to stay here and be my little boy. But you have a daddy who loves you SOOOO much and he wants you so bad. And you are SO lucky you GET to live with him. And I do truly rejoice in a family reunited. A family made whole again. I know there is a bond there and I know their daddy will take good care of them.

I know I am not their mommy and that I was just "playing mommy" for only but a moment.

But they don't understand that. They call me mommy.

 How do you explain that to a child so young, so impressionable, so sensitive, & so innocent that when their aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, & grandparents come for that final goodbye that 'this is it', they aren't going to see them again, this is their goodbye?

How do you say goodbye to the children you have loved as your own for the past year? How do you have a baby from day 2 of his life and say goodbye at 7 mos? When you are the only mommy he knows? When he looks for you? When you are the one whom he feels the separation anxiety from?
How do you explain that this is a good thing to your older children who feel like their siblings are being taken away?

How do you not cry while your daughter plays the piano and sings a song about the siblings she loves and how she knows they love her but they were "tooken away"?

I have empathized with all parties involved this entire time. I feel for the family who couldn't be with these kids while we took care of them this past year. I can only imagine the pain and loss they felt. I have never not been sympathetic to their hearts, feelings, or emotions.

I truly do rejoice in a reunification. I mean that wholeheartedly.

But I mourn for the cheeks I cannot kiss. The tears I will no longer wipe away. The encouragement I cannot give. The laughter I will not hear. The dance parties that will no longer be. The soft kisses they give my cheeks from their little mouths. The extra noise in our house. The messes. The chaos that is no longer. The boo boos I have kissed and made better. The sicknesses I will not hold them and comfort them through. The safety I can no longer promise and ensure under my roof. The songs they sing that I have taught them. The prayers they pray that bless my heart. The I love yous out of the blue. The "let me give you a big squeeze" daddy. The relentless chasing when it is nap time. The exhaustion at the end of my day. The joy & happiness I see in their eyes. Their smiles that light up a room. Their running to me with a 'MOMMY!!!!' & a great big hug when I get home from being gone somewhere. I mourn for the abruptness of this transition and my not being able to better prepare all 6 of our kids.

I weep for the insensitivity of others. I am frustrated at the lack of compassion and understanding from some involved parties. I am saddened by the strong bonds that have been broken too abruptly by the powers that be.

Our hearts and fight has only ever been for the best interest of these children, and I am saddened when I don't feel that has truly been grasped. Time can heal our wounds. Time may be what it takes. Time can help them adjust. However, when things happen so abruptly no one is allowed that time. Especially these precious little ones.

The outcome is what it is. It has always been the goal. One that we are on board with and have always been on board with. We have understood the goal. But the lack of adequate time allowed to best prepare these children & build ties, bridges, & bonds with biological family members I am saddened by.   To be seemingly cut off just hurts.

We all must move on.

We will all be okay. Our prayers will sustain us all.

We know the joy we brought to each other and we know the love that we all feel. We know the truths. We know the wonderful times we have had. We know that we have known these children better than anyone this past year. No one can ever take that away. No one can take away the good memories we have made or the impact we have forever made on one another. These children have left their footprints forever in our hearts. Their memory lives on in our homes. Their sweet, silly, yet sometimes sassy spirits will always be missed & cherished.

"Memories are a key not to the past, but to the future" -Corrie Ten Boom

You sweet babies will always be in our hearts, thoughts, prayers, & memories. We would never reject you. We will always want you. We will always love you.


Follow up 7/23/14
Letting Go

God is Fair & So is His Favor

I heard a sermon once in which the preacher made the statement that "God is not fair". The words bothered me so much immediately. I have since really struggled with that 'claim'. As it depicts God in a light that I personally feel, is so false.

Since the sermon that I heard, God has shown me continuously, verse after verse, there's a reason that message has bothered me so much. I have read scriptures that say otherwise.

God IS fair.

Some definitions of 'Fair': Free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice: a fair decision; a fair judge. Free from self-interest, prejudice, or favoritism. 

I think about how as a parent I attempt to make things fair for my children. How it's my job as a parent to bring about that "fairness" and do things in  a "just" manner. Because, Life is not fair. People are not fair. Situations are not fair. Hardships are not fair. Circumstances are not fair. There are more things on earth that are NOT fair, than fair. So it's my job to keep things in my home as fair as I can. As a parent I love my children equally. Not one more than the other. They are each so different from one another. Each with her own strengths and weaknesses. Talents & gifts. Each with her own endearing ways. I could never love one more than the other. They are each so precious in their own ways. They each brings something no one else ever could to our little family. And in my raising them, I believe in treating each one fairly, free from bias, prejudice or favoritism.

Through life & all the unfairness it brings I believe we can have peace in the fact that we serve an incredibly fair God. We serve a just God. When life and all it throws at us is unfair, we can rest in knowing our God is righteous and just, good and FAIR. Our God loves His children equally and counts us as precious in our own ways. He sees what we each bring to the table.

Here take a look at the proof I found. (There are many verses that talk about God being fair and how we should be fair like him, these are only a portion.)

Genesis 18:19 I have chosen him so that he would command his children and descendants to live the way the Lord wants them to, to live right and be FAIR. Then, I, the Lord will give Abraham what I promised him.

Leviticus 19:15 Be fair in your judging, you must not show special favor to poor people or great people, but be fair when you judge your neighbor.

Deuteronomy 32:4 He is like a rock; what he does is perfect, and he is always fair. He is a faithful God who does no wrong, who is right and fair.

1 Kings 9:4 But you must serve me as your father David did; he was fair and sincere. You must obey all I have commanded and keep my laws and rules.

Job 34:17 Can anyone govern who hates what is right? How can you blame God who is both fair and powerful?

Psalm 9:8 and he will judge the world in fairness; he will decide what is fair for the nations

Psalm 9:16 The Lord has made himself known by his fair decisions

Psalm 33:5 He loves what is right and fair; the Lord's love fills the earth.

Psalm 89:14 Your kingdom is built on what is right and fair. Love and truth are in all you do.

Psalm 103:6 The Lord does what is right and fair for all who are wronged by others.

Proverbs 21:3 Doing what is right and fair is more important to the Lord than sacrifices.

Isaiah 30:18 The Lord wants to show his mercy to you. He wants to rise and comfort you. The Lord is a fair God, and everyone who waits for his help will be happy.

Jeremiah 9:24 But if people want to brag, let them brag that they understand and know me. Let them brag that I am the Lord, and that I am kind and fair, and that I do things that are right on earth. This kind of bragging pleases me," says the Lord.

Ezekiel 18:25 But you say, 'What the Lord does isn't fair.' Listen, people of Israel. I am fair. It is what you do that is not fair!

John 5:30 By myself I can do nothing; I judge only as I hear, and my judgment is just, for I seek not to please myself but him who sent me.

2 Thessalonians 1:6 God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you

Hebrews 6:10 God is fair; he will not forget the work you did and the love you showed for him by helping his people. And he will remember that you are still helping them.

I believe favor comes from God. I believe His Favor is fair because God is fair and favor is available for all of us who love Him. Favor can be bestowed upon all of God's children. Anyone who loves God can pray for favor and should pray for favor. 

God rewards. God gives. God takes away. God is fair. God will be fair.

Life isn't fair. Circumstances are not fair. But God is fair and we can find favor with Him.

Favor = (noun) an attitude of approval or liking (verb) feel or show approval or liking

Fact is God loves us all. When we strive to do what pleases the Lord we can find favor with him. Though we all fall short, God still approves of us. Like when our children fall short, nothing they do or don't do could ever make us love them less. If God didn't love us, He wouldn't have sent His son to die in our place. God created each of us. We are loved even when we fall short.

Favor as a form of favorite would imply that God has favorites, which Romans 2:11 says For God does not show favoritism.  

Therefore, God does NOT have favorites or favor certain children. God does not bestow his favor upon only certain followers like some game of chance or by a lottery system.

If salvation is available for all of us and Jesus died for ALL mankind wouldn't that mean we all have favor available to us? Proverbs 8:35 For those who find me find life and receive favor from the LORD. Are you following? Favor IS for all of us who love God.

We shouldn't brag about our blessings or things we receive or have. To speak in a way such as to say "Favor ain't fair" is an 'in someone's face' statement which sounds like 'I am more spiritual than you or God favors me more because of this or that'. 

And this isn't how God works. Favor IS fair. We all can be blessed. Anyone who loves and serves God can receive God's favor. Being blessed with this or that, while the person next to us has something less at the moment doesn't mean they are less than us as a person or christian. It doesn't mean you have done something that warrants a bigger amount of favor. Someone having more money or less, a higher social standing or less, a job or a loss, a family or striving to have a family, etc. doesn't mean more or less "favor."

We can ALL count our blessings and should NEVER compare our blessings or favor to anyone else's.

Sure, favor can come in different forms. We don't all receive the same rewards and blessings in life. Because we're all different. We all have different talents, strengths, weaknesses, struggles, needs, wants, desires, etc. 

God is fair. So I believe His favor lines up with His fairness.

And that favor is absolutely available to all of us.

Psalm 5:12 Surely, LORD, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.

Psalm 30:5 For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Proverbs 3:34 He mocks proud mockers but shows favor to the humble and oppressed.

Proverbs 11:27 Whoever seeks good finds favor, but evil comes to one who searches for it.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I really believe this!  God truly is fair and anyone can find favor with Him! 

Count your blessings. Don't compare your life to anyone else's. We have all been created as equal and are loved equally by God. Embrace your salvation. Strive to follow the example set before us and live a life of righteousness by being fair in your day to day interactions with others. Find peace in God's ability to be fair when all else isn't.

I Love Summer

I am absolutely not, in no way, shape or form saying this is the right way of doing things or the only way. It just happens to be my personal way that I want to share with my readers.

I have come to view summertime as a time to rebuild my family. A time to regain focus. A time for the kids to let loose and shed off anything negative from the prior school year. A healthy break. A break from friends, a break from routine and major structure.

Summertime is a time to undo any negative behaviors. It's a time to build stronger relationships as a family.

Summertime is a party.

Summer is like one big continuous weekend!

I love summer!

Our kids are involved in NOTHING.

I don't do summer school. I don't feel the need to plan all of these activities to keep the kids busy or involved. I just want to be home. Altogether. We fly by the seat of our pants more than anything, but that is what allows us to do the fun things. Sleepovers, Chicago, Fairs, Noah's Ark, Spencer Lake, Family time, Pools, Lakes, Grandparents, Cousins, Three Bears Lodge, etc. Fun isn't a chore because our weeks are crazy with "activities".

Carter will do a week of camp. We do a VBS. And a reading program at the library. But these are all fun things that make the kids think of SUMMER!

Now, don't get me wrong. I, like every other mom, have my days that my little chatterboxes drive me bonkers with their nonstop talk and sometimes endless arguing. But I never, ever regret the way we do summer. I never wish time would fly by. I am not "ready for school to start". I never am. I don't roll my eyes about my kids being home.

About a week or two before school starts we begin our routine of earlier bed times, more structure, etc. Once school does start we are back in the swing of things like no other. But we are ready because we've valued our time together as a family! Just like during the school year, when Monday hits we are ready because our batteries have been recharged with the weekend.

I LOVE summer. I love having my kids home!

Forgiveness (Worship Wednesday)

I love this song by Matthew West and this story that goes along with it. Beautiful!

It’s the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don’t deserve

It’s the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just to real
It takes everything you have just to say the word…

Forgiveness
Forgiveness

It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It’s always anger’s own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It’s the whisper in your ear saying ‘Set It Free’

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

It’ll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it’s power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Redeemed

Definition of "Redeemed"

to buy or pay off; clear by payment: to redeem a mortgage.

to buy back, as after a tax sale or a mortgage foreclosure.

to recover (something pledged or mortgaged) by paymentor other satisfaction: to redeem a pawned watch.

to exchange (bonds, trading stamps, etc.) for money or goods.

to convert (paper money) into specie.

to discharge or fulfill (a pledge, promise, etc.).

to make up for; make amends for; offset (some fault, shortcoming, etc.): His            bravery redeemed his youthful idleness.

to obtain the release or restoration of, as from captivity, by paying a ransom.

Theology . to deliver from sin and its consequences by means of a sacrifice offered for the sinner.

Exodus 15:13

In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling.

Isaiah 43:1

But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When Worry Makes Me Weary

I was so incredibly blessed by this devotional yesterday. Hope it touches you as well. I believe it pertains to so many of us.

"When Worry Makes Me Weary"

Renee Swope

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 (NIV)

As we drove home from a weekend in the mountains, I felt a heavy sense of dread and sadness. Laying my head back on my seat, I told my husband, J.J., "I don't want to go home."

After talking through my reasons with him, I realized the stress and strain of countless commitments - at home and work - were taking a toll on me. I just wanted to go back to the mountains where I could rest.

J.J. encouraged me to make a list of everything on my plate and ask God what I needed to cut back. At first I resented his suggestion. It felt like he'd just added one more thing I "needed to do." Yet I knew J.J. was right and eventually I made the list.

Then I asked God to show me where to make changes. Much to my surprise the changes I sensed Him leading me to make weren't in my schedule - they were in me.

God didn't show me I needed to cut back at work or in ministry. He didn't show me our kids were in too many activities. He didn't lead me to take a sabbatical, although I was kind of hoping He would.

Instead, I sensed it was worry - not my workload - that was making me weary.

I thought about the months leading up to this point and realized I'd spent almost as much time thinking and worrying about deadlines as I spent working on them. Some days my concerns about commitments and meeting people's expectations had consumed me.

I had let my mind dwell on the possible outcome of several different decisions - all at the same time - and it left me depleted mentally, emotionally and physically.

Honestly though, until I stopped and talked to God about it, I didn't recognize my mental mayhem as worry.

My mind is wired to think a lot so I'd gotten used to the constant flurry of motion in my brain. Yet anxiety had crept in slowly, causing tangles in my thoughts, a tightening in my chest, and tension in my neck. Some days I couldn't stop thinking about ALL I needed to do.

Instead of going back to the mountains to rest, I sensed God wanted me to find a resting place in His presence right in the middle of my busy life. Through today's key verse from Matthew 11:28, He invited me to come to Him with the worries that were making me weary.

Do you sense Him inviting you to come to Him today?

He promises a place to quiet your thoughts in His presence. "Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'" (Ps. 91:1-2 NIV)

He offers freedom from the captivity of your concerns when you bring them to Him:"'Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. And I will lead you back from captivity.'" (Jeremiah 29:13-14 NIV)

Today, instead of letting our worries make us weary, let's respond to God's invitation and come to Him - asking, seeking and finding a resting place for our restless thoughts.

Dear Lord, when my concerns consume me, help me remember You are there inviting me to come to You and talk about all I'm thinking and doing. Show me if my workload or my worries are making me weary and help me trust You with both. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Here Renee gives some practical tips to help our weary souls :)

I Need a "Me Too"

I have been in a sort of a funk/battle over the past month. It's been tough to say the least. But honestly, it's something I have brought on myself in many ways.

Somewhere life has gotten out of balance. Somewhere I stopped listening and hearing God's voice the way I used to. I've gotten inconsistent with being in the word. I've become distracted with life. It didn't happen over night but over the course of a couple of years I would say.

On top of that I feel like I have to be strong all of the time or else something is wrong with me. Does anyone else feel that way? I feel like I should be happy all of the time because life is good. I AM SO blessed.

If I am so blessed, which I am, why does my soul feel so down trodden?

I think that has been the hardest thing to grasp these past 5 weeks that I have been on this roller coaster.

These past 5 weeks I have felt depressed, anxious, hopeless, and confused.

My life has gotten out of balance.

I have allowed anger & bitterness to get the best of me. The anger has caused a lot of anxiety. Bitterness has caused me to focus on what has been done wrong over the years and has given those things more power than seeing the blessings in my life. I've allowed times of sadness to turn into anger, instead of crying them out.

I've held things inside and remained silent all in the name of "not wanting to gossip" or be "negative".

The thing really is that I tend to deal with things alone. For as much as I want to be vulnerable and truly me, I fear what people think. I assume that if I am not strong and full of joy continuously then something is wrong with me.  But it's normal to feel. It's normal to hurt and be sad when things happen.

There's times I have been vulnerable and my words have been twisted or turned and used against me. So then I keep more inside.

Looking back on my life, when 'big things' have happened, even stemming back to my parents divorce when I was 16 years old, I have internalized my feelings & emotions. I try dealing with things on my own in my own mind rather than talk things out with trusted sources. I remember people trying to reach out to me during that time and I responded with a smile & an "I'm fine". When I was in 3rd grade a friend of mine died and I didn't even sit with my family at his funeral because I didn't want to be consoled by anyone. I just wanted to wallow alone. This habit of "I'm fine" hasn't worked well for me. So I don't really know why I do it. I don't know why I feel like needing others is weak.

It's probably a lot of pride, which I admit, is one of my biggest battles.

In my life there really has been more good than bad. But if I compare my life to many others it would 'appear' to have had more hardships & tough situations that many haven't had to ever deal with or go through. Problem in that is comparing my life to others in the first place.

So when and how did my life get so out of whack now? Even too much of a good thing can be bad. Life has gotten busy and I have consumed my mind with too many "Other" things.

I worry what people think. I feel guilty easily. I worry about others hurting others. I worry about things I can't control. And then I get anxious and my stomach gets in knots.

In this time in our lives where God is allowing a time of refreshing and rebalance I find "crap hitting the fan" in my head-internally- in my time of stillness. I've been in this place before. But that was about 15 years ago when I didn't even own a computer or have a cell phone.

So now as I get my life back in proper balance, I know I need to limit my time with social media as well, because when you are struggling and all you see in the world is how "GREAT" life appears for everyone else it's just another dagger in your funk battle. Most people only post the good and it's too easy to compare ourselves and our lives to others. Facebook and Twitter isn't reality though. Social media is filled with a lot of people pretending everything is fine.

And then there's the news and politics...Sorry friends, I just can't do it. It stresses me out and gives me anxiety about my kids' future. I've had to "hide" friends on fb who just stress me out. :)

I've had to really get back in the word. Say no to people and embrace the stillness as a time to heal and mend from life's ups & downs through the years.

Sometimes the best thing we can hear in our times of need are two powerful words... "Me Too"

I've been able to say me too to many people and I do take my battles as blessings which allow me to empathize with others. To be understanding and be a shoulder to lean on. The more you go through in life the more people you can relate to. I never want to come across as a know it all, but I do understand a lot because I've experienced a lot.

Right now, I need a shoulder. I need some "Me Too's".

To know I am not alone. To know another has been there.

I'm ready to get out of this funk. I'm ready to have joy & contentment in ALL things. But I know that a life out of balance takes time getting back on track. Even if the things we have been balancing are mostly good things. I know that "This Too Shall Pass" but it's not feeling like it will be soon enough.