I think letting go may be one of the hardest choices we have to make in our life here on earth. Letting go of loved ones; Saying goodbye and cutting bonds or ties; Lacking closure. All of which I, myself, am not good at. Especially the closure part.
Things left unsaid.
Questions unanswered.
One last I love you.
One last hug.
Rushed goodbyes.
However, sometimes letting go can be a very selfless act as well. As well as absolutely necessary.
To allow wings to fly.
Blooms to blossom.
Growth that otherwise maybe couldn't happen.
Selfishly, and admittedly I want another hug. I want to hear their voices. I want to hold the chubby baby boy whose mama I was blessed to be for 7 mos. I want to snuggle that sweet & sassy little girl. See her sweet dimples. Let her kiss my cheeks a million times over. Just one more time. Oh what I'd give to kiss the top of that sweet little boy's head. So sensitive. So fragile. So kind and precious. The little boy who was attached to my side for almost a year. Those little glasses. The tight curls on the top of his head. To see their smiles and hear their laughter. To reassure my little mama's boy. Just one more time...But even then, that still wouldn't be enough.
We gave them our all. We loved them as our own.
To be cut off and lack such closure.
It's hard.
Really, really hard.
But we need to let go...
Not for us. No. For them.
Being cut off is okay. For them. Because I do realize to hear our voices, to keep in touch when they don't understand could only cause harm. To not understand why they had to leave; Why they can't come home to us. It could only confuse them.
I have come to realize they need to forget us, because that is better. Not for us, but for them. So their memories can be with their parents and the family that loves them, although it seems impossible, probably even more than we ever could. They were only ours for such a time.
The memories will always be ours.
The joys, the highs, the lows, the growth, the love, the strong bond, the tears, the laughter, the life we had with them for 10 months, no one can take that from us. Those are ours.
The memories are our gift for letting go.
A gift that we will always embrace.
And maybe someday, sometime, when the time is right, we will run into them or hear something that can just bring us the peace and closure that isn't ours yet.
Until then we must let them go. But in our hearts they will always be. On our minds, in our dreams, and forever in our prayers.
Follow up to But They Call Me Mommy
3 comments:
When I read your words "Being cut off is okay. For them. Because I do realize to hear our voices, to keep in touch when they don't understand could only cause harm. To not understand why they had to leave; Why they can't come home to us. It could only confuse them." My heart hurt, I have had children in my home that I love and cared for, for a period of time. I am wanting to be a foster again which is why I started receiving your emails. I do want the time the child has with me to be remembered, I want to plant seeds of love and hope for a great future. I don't think it is selfish. Many of the people I have known in Foster Care have had difficult lives and even when returned to their families are not in the best situations. Please help me to understand why it is selfish to want to have made a lasting impact one of love on a child? Before I start the process to be a foster in a new area and so many years later than previous, I want to fully understand what I am getting myself into, what is healthy for the child and myself.
It is absolutely not selfish at all to want to be remembered or make a lasting impact.
I guess in my writing this where my heart is is that, I am sad to have been cut off, but really what should I expect? At the age our little ones were when they left and the bond they had with us being as strong as it was, I worry that if they didn't cut us off that the kids wouldn't be able to thrive in their home because they may yearn for us.
What I wouldn't give to NOT have been cut off though. Trust me :) To keep in touch and have a relationship with the entire family is all we ever wanted. But our case worker did us no favors in that area. I don't understand why it has to be this way. But to help myself I say I am being selfless to make myself feel better because maybe it is best that they don't remember us? Because maybe that memory would bring them sadness? Does that make sense?
Praise God. Thank you for these words which truly ministered to me as I have recently lived through what you described.
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