March 27, 2012

Unforgiveness is My Issue

We all have something we are dealing with. Some issue in one way or another. Be it health, family, kids, spouse, personal, spiritual, physical, mental, etc. As soon as things are 'good', another issue is on the rise. . Sometimes major...But most of the time, or as I am choosing to say 'mostfully'...just some thing or another we are dealing with, in some way or another.

Right now if I am to be honest, my struggle is unforgiveness & bitterness as it pertains to a specific situation in my life. You know, it really stinks, because I have come so far in this area...or so I thought. Yes things have hurt me in my life over the years, people have frustrated me, but it was like God gave me the strength to forgive over & over and the true ability to kill another with kindness and just do the right thing no matter what. Boom, forgiven, slate wiped clean in the Laura book. (not that I even have the right to keep a slate)

I can do the right thing currently, but my attitude SUCKS.

I am hurt. Frustrated. Angry. Hurt. Sad. Hurt. Frustrated. Annoyed. In Shock. Whatever.

*Before you speculate, it is no one in my family.

I am trying my darnedest to move forward, but I have allowed bitterness to creep in my heart and take over. I am so angry at times I might swear at you. If I am being honest. Which I am. Being honest. I want to punch them.

Then... I read this and her letter has helped & spoken measures to me. "The forgiveness I give you is not a pass. You were wrong and you will always have been wrong" those words are for any of us struggling to forgive someone who has done us wrong in any way. 

Forgiveness isn't a free ticket to be crapped on. Forgiveness doesn't free the persecutor, its frees us, the crapee. God will deal with them. And right now that knowledge alone is what brings me some semblance of moving forward.

When we are done wrong...we want that person to know they did us wrong. To know they were in the wrong. 

Sadly, pride and arrogance doesn't pave the way for owning up to wrongdoings

It's out of my control. What you do...what another does...what they did...

So, for now I work on forgiving. I know it takes time. I know that I can at least acknowledge my need to forgive and lack there of, as well as the bitterness that has crept into my entire being. I will get through it. I will get past this seemingly stand-still moment in time. 

Forgiving doesn't discount the hurt. They were wrong. They will always have been wrong

I cannot let their wrong consume me though...

And I have. I have let it consume my every thought. It has made me skeptical of anyone like them. Anyone in their shoes or lifestyle. That's not fair. But right now I am struggling, feeling as though they are one in the same. These types of people. And true as it may's not fair for me to speculate, assume, & judge unfairly.

The cycle of unforgiveness, bitterness, & resentment is a vicious one at that.

For now...I'm trying.

Mother Teresa said it like this:
People are often unreasonable, irrational, & self centered
If you are kind people might accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives
If you are successful you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies
If you are honest & sincere, people may deceive you
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight
If you find serenity & happiness some may be jealous
The good you do today will often be forgotten
Give the best you have and it will never be enough
In the final analysis, it is between you & God


Lacy said...

I also struggle with this sometimes, I LOVE that saying, "my forgiveness is not a pass..."

Great post, thanks Laura!

Laura Chapman said...

Thank You Lacy! Isn't it nice to know we are not alone in our struggles :)

J said...

I really struggle with one person in particular. How do you allow someone to veal on you over and over? At some point do you just walk away? Just curious.....

Laura Chapman said...

I don't see anything wrong with walking away. Especially if it's a toxic relationship and that person is continuously dragging you down. That is harder to do if it's family of course, but creating boundaries can be healthy & necessary. Boundaries in any relationship is necessary. Forgiving isn't giving a license to let someone keep hurting you.