December 9, 2011

Man Up

My mom & younger sister cannot swallow pills. My mom & sis have to crush, break, put in applesauce or pudding. So another one of my sisters was telling my mom that any thing she does other than swallow is going to be disgusting. My younger sis and mom are conversing back and forth over different ways to get the pills from mouth down the esophagus.

I said "Man up & swallow the pill". Easy advice. Easy advice that reminds me of another "man up" time.

I was scheduled for an MRI of my head back in 2008 because of my TMJ. They offered the sedation/valium which I opted out of only because I wanted to get in before the New Year and it was easier to have Jeremy stay with the kids rather than he drive me and then getting the kids a sitter and all that jazz. 

I am VERY claustrophobic. It's gotten worse over the years. If you are not claustrophobic in any way shape or form then don't judge.

So I prayed and had others pray for me for that day, I thought mind over matter. I will face this fear and conquer it HEAD on! 

I tried to make the most of it and thought it could be good to relax and have some peace, I had no fear whatsoever going in to it. I was actually excited to "chill" and sit still for 45 minutes without people around.

(Try 1)-SO they lay me down explain things to me, proceed to put on these huge 1980 headphones over my ears-I chose Christmas music, then she puts this thing OVER MY WHOLE FACE! It looked like this cage for my head. 
And so it hits. My fear overwhelms me and totally takes over, I panicked & freaked out, in an anxiety-ridden, hyped up voice said "Can you please quick take this thing off of me for a second?!?!". I sit up, take a deep breath as if I am in labor. Hooo Hooo, deep breath in, deep breathe out, Then I said in a high pitched voice "Whew!"...a couple of more deep breaths..."I'm okay..I'm okay" "I can do this"...The lady said "are you sure, it's okay. Just be happy you can lay still and relax". Oh she was so gracious and so patient with me!

(Try 2)...Everything back on, and we try an eye mask too. Then I REALLY freak out. "Oh my gosh, I can't do this" "I can't", "I'm sorry!"..."I. Am. Freaking. Out. I'm trying not to but I am". "Ohhhh I'm sorry, I guess I didn't realize I was this bad, I really thought I could do mind over matter". So she takes the stuff off again, and I inquire about the sedation and all that. She tries talking me into staying and giving it a try since I was already there. I just rambled on and on and on and on and over-explained myself and apologized for my freakish ways.

I said at one point "I hope you never have another patient like me. Oh my goodness, I feel so sorry for you".

Contemplating try 3, I ask, "do you have christian music?"

She said "Ohhh yes, oh yes, we have all kinds"...

me- "okay, ahhhhhhhh (sigh & deep labor breaths again)I'll do christian music & just pray" Lay down again for (Try 3)...

(Try 3) me- "maybe this blind fold isn't helping". "What do most claustrophobic people do?" *huge dramatic sigh* "oh I don't know, I am literally freaking out inside".
You see that little guy in that little "patient" part...S.C.A.R.Y
Look at that thing! It's like a tunnel of heck! A tunnel of death and pure scary-ness! The tunnel of doom & gloom.

I sit up again. (before she ever had time to put the helmet/head cage thing on)
"Um...(awkward pause, deep breaths, tears in eyes, heart palpitations) Can I call my husband?"

lady-"you want husband?"

me- "yea, he's good at mind over matter things and I want him to pray for me"

lady -"okay...sure."

me- "Oh thank you for being so patient with me, I am so sorry for freaking out, I'm trying really hard here". My voice is still quivering.

So I go to call Jeremy...

Jeremy- "Hello?"

me-crying, no, bawling & sniff sniff " freaking out"

Jeremy- "Come on Laura, MAN up, It's not so bad" -"I had to have one of my shoulder and head, it's fine"

me-"did they put the thing over your face like a football helmet?"


Me -"well you're not claustrophobic"..."I can't do this"..."I need a valium"

Jeremy-"Laura, you have to do this. Come on"

me-"just pray for me, i am seriously freaking out I've tried 3 times and I haven't even gone in the machine"

Jeremy-"Seriously Laura, you'll be fine"

me- "I am SERIOUSLY FREAKING out, just pray for me" 

I go back to the table of doom & gloom, horror & mayhem...ask if I have to have those headphones on (thinking the less stuff confining my head, body & causing restraint, the better), she gave me little ear plugs. I gave her back her blind fold too. "I won't be needing this Ma'am" She puts me in the "tunnel of doom" without the "helmet/head restraint" to test it out-then back out again. Okay, I feel better. I can do this. Then put on the helmet and put me in and back out again. Baby steps...

"Okay, I can do this" I said

"Okay" she said, "you're going to do great."

And...I DID IT! MIND OVER MATTER! I manned up! Sat still for 45 minutes, tried to relax and calm my nerves by talking to myself in my head as I focused on being fine over the tight little space I was enclosed in and almost lost my life to (or so it felt like I might).

So whatever our situations, fears, worries, anxieties, we need to MAN UP and face it head on. Don't skirt issues. Do it afraid. We cannot let fear stop us or enslave is from doing what's gotta be done!

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