March 26, 2012

What No One Told You About Labor & Delivery

 I must preface this with the fact that I LOVE giving birth. I love labor and never have felt so empowered, determined or strong in my life as when giving birth. It's the most beautiful experience. An absolutely wonderful thing I feel so blessed to have been able to experience 3 amazing times. Each so wonderful in it's own way. Each new child so beautiful and dearly loved.

When I had my firstborn baby, all I remember hearing pre-labor, was how after giving birth you will feel "great"... This sudden, magical "relief" per say, after all of the pain. It's the after stuff that no one totally warned me about. Or if they did, it didn't stick.

Personally, to that I say "What the"?

What No One Ever Told Me...

No one tells you that while great, epidurals can give you a lack of control and when they take really wellYou push like there is no tomorrow because you can't feel a thing. Because of that it can hurt to sit on your butt for a couple of weeks. It also can take a while to wear off so you need help going to the potty.

No one tells you that you can tear from one 'end' to the other

Or while your precious giving birth region is being cleaned up, your husband will get to enjoy your new baby being weighed, measured, examined, etc. Oh so cute.

Then, you get to deliver another baby called your 'placenta'. Plop into the big silver bowl it goes. 

No one tells you that your "privates" may get stitches. That's right. You 'get' to have them. Sometimes all the way from one hole to the next!

No one tells you how rock hard your boobs will get when it's time to nurse and how if you can't get to your baby asap you have to "hand express" your new found breast implants in a bathroom sink just to relieve the pain-I have done this at weddings, Brewer Games, people's houses...etc. Though I have to say for you okay, we size A's & B's our newfound boobs are awesome! It's like for once in your life your boobs get to be bigger than your stomach. (I mean, from what I hear...)

No one tells you that when you have a hard little sucker, your upper regions can crack & bleed. Really, quite sexy. Stay on top of that Lansinoh new moms. Many times those strong suckers can cause a dreadful breast infection. Which is PAINFUL as all heck. Making you feel like you have the flu on top of it.

No one talks about hemorrhoids. Not everyone gets them but those of us you that are blessed with roids feel like my your butt is giving birth. 10 years later. Those pestering little suckers can flare up out of no where. Making it painful to cough, sneeze, fart, walk, poop, etc. Terrible. Puts you out of commission for a while.

No one tells you that you will have your period after giving birth for what feels like 10 years. More like 4 ish weeks afterwards.

No one tells you the exhaustion you feel or the number of times you will fall asleep in the night while feeding your bundle. No one tells you how exhausting it is to the point of feeling like you can't cope with life for a day or two, because you just are SO. ABSOLUTELY. TIRED. Never will you desire or need sleep more.

No one tells you that when you leave the hospital you will look 7-8 months pregnant.

No one warns you of the in your face nurses "pushing on your stomach" during your hospital stay..."Hey there is a sleeping new mom who just pushed a watermelon out of her lemon, I think I will go wake her up so I can dig around & check out her nether regions & painfully push on her stomach"...""Oh & when she nurses her new baby,  I will be right here all up in her boobs to help whether I am wanted or not"

No one tells you that as annoying as they can be at times, you don't get to take a nurse home. :( And that it's really, really scary to be home all alone with your new baby those first few days. All in all those nurses are sweet saints.

No one tells you that you can cry one second and laugh the next, over nothing, yay for postpartum!

No one tells you that when breastfeeding the baby can get a good hold on you, never to let go & while "latching on" can jerk their pretty little head to the opposite side of the room to hear what that 'noise' was, giving you some new stretchy "go go gadget boobs"

No one tells you that one day you end up with 2 fried eggs on a nail board for boobs because your kids sucked the life out of them

No one tells you that while all of your friends can wear their annoyingly lame 2 piece you are stuck with a grandma swimsuit to hide your stomach that now resembles an elderly man's wrinkled butt. Shut up all you moms who have defined abs...I'm still looking for mine under all of this skin.

AND last but not least- No one can tell you enough that IT'S ALL SO WORTH it and you will never know love until you have that baby in your arms! You will never know parenting until you have your own child whether through birth or adoption. I only know birth at this point, but one day will do a what your mama didn't tell you about adoption when I can grasp that firsthand. Because my oven is closed...but my heart is open to our next set of children born not from my own womb, but from my heart!


Jamie Willow said...

Cracking up at the go go gadget stretchy boobs. SO true. Lol.

I fell asleep today nursing Lucas and woke up drooling, luckily not on his head.

Blah Blah Blah said...

No one tells you that because if they did, you might not want to do it!
Try going from a C to a FF and back down...but to a DD. Talk about stretchy, I don't even have to hardly move if my kids are yelling in the backseat of the car, one small turn to the right send them up and flying over the seat to smack them both with one swoop. SUPER BOOBS!

Laura Chapman said...

Too Funny Jamie!!! And Julie, you CRACK me up!