When I had my firstborn baby, all I remember hearing pre-labor, was how after giving birth you will feel "great"... This sudden, magical "relief" per say, after all of the pain. It's the after stuff that no one totally warned me about. Or if they did, it didn't stick.
Personally, to that I say "What the"?
What No One Ever Told Me...
No one tells you that while great, epidurals can give you a lack of control and when they take really well, You push like there is no tomorrow because you can't feel a thing. Because of that it can hurt to sit on your butt for a couple of weeks. It also can take a while to wear off so you need help going to the potty.
No one tells you that you can tear from one 'end' to the other
Or while your precious giving birth region is being cleaned up, your husband will get to enjoy your new baby being weighed, measured, examined, etc. Oh so cute.
Then, you get to deliver another baby called your 'placenta'. Plop into the big silver bowl it goes.
No one tells you that your "privates" may get stitches. That's right. You 'get' to have them. Sometimes all the way from one hole to the next!
No one tells you how rock hard your boobs will get when it's time to nurse and how if you can't get to your baby asap you have to "hand express" your new found breast implants in a bathroom sink just to relieve the pain-I have done this at weddings, Brewer Games, people's houses...etc. Though I have to say for
No one tells you that when you have a hard little sucker, your upper regions can crack & bleed. Really, quite sexy. Stay on top of that Lansinoh new moms. Many times those strong suckers can cause a dreadful breast infection. Which is PAINFUL as all heck. Making you feel like you have the flu on top of it.
No one talks about hemorrhoids. Not everyone gets them but those of
No one tells you that you will have your period after giving birth for what feels like 10 years. More like 4 ish weeks afterwards.
No one tells you the exhaustion you feel or the number of times you will fall asleep in the night while feeding your bundle. No one tells you how exhausting it is to the point of feeling like you can't cope with life for a day or two, because you just are SO. ABSOLUTELY. TIRED. Never will you desire or need sleep more.
No one tells you that when you leave the hospital you will look 7-8 months pregnant.
No one warns you of the in your face nurses "pushing on your stomach" during your hospital stay..."Hey there is a sleeping new mom who just pushed a watermelon out of her lemon, I think I will go wake her up so I can dig around & check out her nether regions & painfully push on her stomach"...""Oh & when she nurses her new baby, I will be right here all up in her boobs to help whether I am wanted or not"
No one tells you that as annoying as they can be at times, you don't get to take a nurse home. :( And that it's really, really scary to be home all alone with your new baby those first few days. All in all those nurses are sweet saints.
No one tells you that you can cry one second and laugh the next, over nothing, yay for postpartum!
No one tells you that when breastfeeding the baby can get a good hold on you, never to let go & while "latching on" can jerk their pretty little head to the opposite side of the room to hear what that 'noise' was, giving you some new stretchy "go go gadget boobs"
No one tells you that one day you end up with 2 fried eggs on a nail board for boobs because your kids sucked the life out of them
No one tells you that while all of your friends can wear their annoyingly lame 2 piece you are stuck with a grandma swimsuit to hide your stomach that now resembles an elderly man's wrinkled butt. Shut up all you moms who have defined abs...I'm still looking for mine under all of this skin.
AND last but not least- No one can tell you enough that IT'S ALL SO WORTH it and you will never know love until you have that baby in your arms! You will never know parenting until you have your own child whether through birth or adoption. I only know birth at this point, but one day will do a what your mama didn't tell you about adoption when I can grasp that firsthand. Because my oven is closed...but my heart is open to our next set of children born not from my own womb, but from my heart!